In a perfect world, people would pre plan but alas the world is not perfect.  Each time I have to work with the funeral home to plan a celebration of life, visitation, burial mass and or funeral, I learn something new. Here are a few of those things:

Some people do pre plan. My mother did so in the mid 1980s, she didn’t die until 2014 and things had changed. I have been able to add or subtract to the pre planning list with the funeral home. It may change the cost of things but that is an option. Or at least ask if that is an option. 

It may sound macabre but I have drafts of obituaries written for all my family members (even myself).  Being a genealogist, I have reaped rewards from a well written obituary. I also know that 12-48 hours  after a loved one’s passing is NOT your finest hour. And maybe stuff like their parent’s names or birth location not the information foremost in your head. Plus a good obit lets their personality come out. My brother’s mentioned his foodie side; my mom, her giving nature; my MIL, her ventures to the casino. Also if you are thinking about no flowers – donations in their memory, think small and local. My mom’s went to a local nature preserve, my MIL to the local Catholic School where she helped and my brother’s simply to share a favorite recipe with a friend.  The funeral home will work with you on this (they have forms and can ask the right questions) , so do not feel you have to write it ahead of time, but maybe jot down a small outline of their life, it will help. 

For an open casket, you are going to need to pick clothes for the person. You can pick underwear, you do not have to. Totally your call. Maybe the outfit you want is too big? No problem, they can make it work. Shoes? Yes you can give them shoes, no you do not have to. I strongly suggest if you can, maybe a long sleeved shirt (if that was something they wore).  They can do a great deal with matching skin tone however, I have always found the less of that I need to look at, the better.

If you have a few recent pictures of them, especially people who might style their hair a certain way or do their make up a certain way, send those to the funeral home. They have a stylist and want to make your loved one look as good as possible at this time for you.

If it has not been decided, you will need to pick 

• casket (if burial) or urn if cremation, (they will also give you the ashes in a plastic container if you do not want to buy one from them or have plans for the ashes) 
• vault if a burial 
• time to have and a length of time for the visitation and time of funeral.
• if anyone is speaking at the funeral (they cannot speak normally at a Catholic Burial Mass)
• The theme of the register and the memorial cards (normally there are books to pick designs (like bridges, religious, flowers, boats etc) from
• Picture you want for the obituary
• You may need a saying for the memorial cards (they should have a large book to pick from) 
• Outfit for the deceased (you can bring that to this meeting or drop it off later)
• Flowers for the top of the casket or on display (type, color and what the ribbons might say (father, grandfather, best friend etc)
• How many copies of the death certificate you want. Depending on their assets 5+ will probably be fine. You can always get more, but it might take longer. In the age of technology, more places will take a scan. 
• Ask about pictures, many places have you make display boards of your loved one with your pictures (and will give you the boards to create these), some will let you upload pictures and make a running photo montage, some will also ask if there is music or a playlist you want playing. 

I personally do not feel you should mess with a gravestone or cenotaph at this point (cenotaph is a stone marker but the body is not there). I compare this to getting a tattoo, you want to think about it.  If there is a stone already, the funeral home will take care of getting the death date updated, but you can confirm with them.

Make sure you have an email for the funeral home, because you will think of something you need to ask them and it is so much easier than calling. 

At this point you probably need to take a break and do something nice for yourself, because this is just beyond exhausting.