Quite a few of my friends are sending their first born off to college this year. FB has been reminding me with “memories” of when my son headed off. It has made me ponder what I have learned (and what I wish I knew at the time) when our family dynamic changes.

And it doesn’t have too be a child leaving the nest, it can be the breakup on a relationship, a death, a birth, an inclusion of an older loved one in your home, the loss or gain of a pet. Basically, any time that the dynamic in your household shifts, well it is just hard, and you need to give yourself grace.

For better or worse, we play roles in our lives. Most come with titles; mom, daughter, wife, sister, friend. And I have always thought of it like a pie chart, there is the me part and then there are all these roles I have. Each wedge is different shaped at different times.

When my mother was ill and needed my help, the daughter wedge became quite large, the me wedge pretty much disappeared and the mom/wife got very skinny.  When she passed, I really did not know what to do with myself. I missed her so much and yet I was amazed the time I had back in my life. I looked around at the pie chart and thought, yikes I need to work on the mom/wife parts. I need to see if I can find the friend part. Oddly, I didn’t think to take a long healthy look at the me wedge.

Don’t get me wrong, it is a wonderful thing to look out for others. To help people and to make the world a bit brighter. But as they say before your flight, put on your air mask and adjust it before you help others. That is what I wish I had practiced more each time my family dynamic has changed. I tended to say, ok I have more time now, how can I help someone and what have I neglected that I need to fix. I should have said, wow, that was very tough on me, how do I refill my pitcher and do things for me.

I am more conscious of that tendency (the do for others, not look at me) this time my family dynamic changed. Trying to be more deliberate of my actions both for myself and helping others. Trying to spend the additional time and space not by filling it with things and rushing around to help people, but by sitting quietly and seeing what I want to do next. 

And like kids leaving the house for the first time, it is hard, but it is worth it and you deserve it.