Let’s just start with the obvious: It is so hard and exhausting. I think more so if you are stuck in the care giving sandwich of child/children at home and then older parents that need your help. But even when you don’t have one half of the bread of the sandwich, it can become overwhelming and exhausting.

With my mom, it was a sandwich. I had a school-aged child and she got to the point she could not live on her own. She lived 3+ hours away and I had no support system in her town. I ended up moving her closer to me into a nursing home. I was also working out of the house full time. My world reduced to putting out fires and anticipating fires.

At this time period 10+ years ago, caregiver burn out was not talked about as much as it is today. There is a better network and more people have gone through it. I struggled with a lot of people (who had never been in that position) saying how horrid you put your mom in a HOME. You know comments like that, sitting on top of your own self-doubt, are not healthy. There is nothing wrong with taking advantage of these new support group options. They can help you come up with ideas you may not have thought of and feel less alone.

I had two mantras during this period with my mom (and later my dad, brother and MIL.)

First one: I am doing the best I can today. I’m sure these looked very different on days from an outsider, but on that day, I tried my best. Period. I saw a quote that said, if on a given day you have 20% to give and you gave 20%, then you gave 100% of what you could do that day. Give yourself grace. Some days your best is going to look and feel not that great, and that is ok.

My second one was: If I do x or don’t do x will I have regrets if she/he dies before I see her/him again? Some days that pushed me forward and some days I was like nope, I’m good. Only you can answer that question. And it does change on the day and what is going on. And that really helped put things in perspective for me. Will I regret not spending time with my kid OR getting my mom’s laundry to her that day. The end goal (because this role will end) is no regrets or as few as possible.

The confusion part is hard, especially for us logical folks. For those with dementia, I find it is easier to focus on it being a disease and not the person. It is hard to not get so mad at the person for what feels like lying. I tried to remind myself that if the “lying” about not having lunch or going out without her cane, was that a hill I wanted to die on? Bc she was still an adult able to make her own choices (even if stupid). Granted there is an underlying worry that people would say I didn’t take care of my mom. But with the clarity of hindsight, I’d say no one who has ever had to do this would say that and those that do can F off.

My mom used to get creative with the truth with regards to my useless in the whole process brother. It’s ok to cut visits short when they push too far. It is hard to put up boundaries, but it is OK to do so.

The holidays add a whole other layer of chaos to this. Things will not be the same as they have in the past. It is so complicated, sad and exhausting. If I were to add on tiny piece of advice, is to give yourself grace, take a moment every day from now until the beginning of 2025 to tell yourself you are doing you best. You are a really great person. Try to focus on one positive a day and to have no regrets. Hugs.