I would be shocked if you have never experienced grief. Loved one, pet, relationship – the loss of any and all of these will cause grief. So, let’s clear that up first thing, the whole “well if your loved one has not died you don’t know REAL grief”. That is dumb and not true. People saying that, they need to go to the back of the room, stand in a corner and think about what they just said. And don’t even get me started on people who say “well it has been quite a while ago.”

Anniversaries (birth, death, anything really) of people who I can no longer give a hug to make me ponder (and sometimes at 2am) and miss them. The other night I thought about grief and sea glass.

The pretty sea glass found on the beach starts as shards of broken glass. Sharp cutting edges of glass. Sharp as the glass you dropped on the floor that exploded. Maybe needing stitches when it cut you, but at the very least needed cleaned out, tended and bandaged. The first smack of grief is like that. It just hurts and seems like it will never stop. Like cutting yourself on glass, you need to take care of you. There will be things that need to happen, requirements to meet, especially if someone has died. But you need to take care of you. If you were physically injured you would, this is no less than that. And maybe more.

After a few years (depending a lot on tides, exposure to elements etc.) the sea glass will start to smooth out on the edges. You might find some on the beach and think oh look pretty and pick it up. Only to discover a few edges are really still sharp. (and try to cut you) These are the pieces I toss back into the ocean and know it is not the right time.

Grief is like that too. Weeks, months, years go by and you have dealt with all the necessary hoops, etc. You can think of the loved one fondly from time to time without pain. You might even tell a story or two about them or look at old pictures. And then maybe you see a book by an author they used to read. Your loved one would grab that author the moment that book hit the shelf. And you are leveled with the pain of grief that they will ever read this book. That sharp edge that had not smoothed out like the other sides, it cuts and cuts deep. And was unexpected. Even anniversaries still surprise me with the depth of feeling involved. I thought that glass was smoothed over and yet it was not.

You might get mad at yourself. I should be OVER this by now. Spoiler Alert: grief (and sea glass) are not linear. It isn’t checking this box and moving to the new level. It is a forward and back and spiral, tangled up mess process. And to make things even more difficult, each loss is different and each person dealing with loss is different.

Give yourself grace. Like the glass, it just isn’t time. Progress has been made. Potential to see more sun than grey is there. You are on the right track. Sometimes things just hit hard. And that is ok, hard and painful but ok. (and no, you should not be over it by now).

The piece of “perfect” sea glass, when you find it, has spent anywhere from 20-200 years getting to that stage. And what might be keepable sea glass for me, might not be for you. I don’t think grief is ever “finished”. It gets smaller. It gets smoother, but it never goes away.  You can smile at the memories and not feel that sharp pinch of pain. Your love for them and their love feels like a warm hug or a hot cup of tea on a cold day. One final thought. Sea Glass is still glass. And even if it has spent 200 years getting smooth, I jab you with it hard enough, it is going to hurt. Be kind to you.