Which came first, chicken or egg? Well first off, this post is going to post after Christmas but written prior. Some thoughts just need to sit and marinate.
Some years, Christmas approaches and I am all, cards and cookie baking. I am good will toward all and thoughtful gift buying. I am secret Santa and Random Acts of Kindness. And some years I am not. This year, I am not. I have been in a funk for about two months now. Nothing I can pinpoint, many pieces floating around that any one of them I could say, yeah might be that. And it is not hard-core depression; I have been there. It is more a malaise, an attempt to do the best I can but feel I am constantly falling short. I try to do more RAOK, and small things to brighten the day for others, but I feel off. I feel not me. I feel something is … just isn’t me.
And I am still doing my card a day (well most days). To help learn my cards better and also, well to help me focus on the day a bit. I say, good morning cards, what do we think about today? and pull a card. I write it in my notebook, look up what it means in two or three books and jot down something that will help me remember that card. Sometime during the day, I will think about the card and laugh when it becomes obvious or lay in bed and night and say, huh yeah not sure about that. But all in all, a distraction and a learning thing I enjoy.
Well, lots of fives have shown up in the last few months. Mostly cups (inverted and not) and more than once the swords have appeared. (those friends show up more often than not in other numbers also, just sayin’). A quick Newbie thumb nail says fives are need for change or heading for change and that can be good and bad. It can mean power struggle. It can mean (and I love this best) wobbly times. Yeah that is where I am right now wobbly times. In wobbly times with emotions high (cups) and change/conflict (swords). Exactly, I feel wobbly frequently close to tears (so not me) and want to punch someone (bit more me).
I have mentioned earlier that I like the cards, we are friends. I think there are people who have a special connection with them (that I do not have) and I would love to have a reading one day by a person like that. But for me, I am just trying to think a bit out of the box. The card a day thing, more learning or a maybe look for this sort of thing. I believe there are higher powers at work out there; I just don’t believe I am their conduit.
But then I start thinking about what comes first, chicken or egg. I am wobbly right now, cards are saying, dude you are wobbly, it is ok, just chill and focus. I don’t think I am wobbly because they cards are saying you are wobbly, no it is more a yeah, we see the wobble, you see the wobble, so what will we do about this? Out of the box thinking with the cards. And also sort of settling in an odd way.
Which is a comfort I never imagined from the cards. I get like this from time to time. I even get close to the edge; you know what I am talking about. That fingernails clinging sort of we got this, focus, we have gone through much worse, focus time. Yeah, I see you nodding. Fist bump. We got this. Soul Humans Unite.
NO idea what to metadata this one. Just know you made it, you made it to the other side of the holiday season. New year is gonna start and I am not big on resolutions or nonsense like that. But you made it to 2020. That is pretty awesome. Yeah, we got this.